Too Little Too Late.

Jaime looked at her body that lay there quiet and still on the bed. She moved closer to get a better look at her face. She hated the way she looked. No matter how many times she looked at herself, it was never her. It was always some strange man, except, the Strange Man is the one her family recognized, the one that her friends confided in. She couldn’t stand it. She tried to handle it, but it all came crumbling down.

Jaime had confided in her best friend how she felt. How it was the wrong body, how she wanted to take knife and just cut away at it out of frustration. The scars on her arms were proof that it didn’t work. She tried to grow her hair out long, but that didn’t do enough. She still had a face that no matter what she did would always be foreign to her. It would always look like a man’s face, never her face. It kept her up at night, and hearing the news stories never helped. Hearing how people like her were brutally murdered instilled a great fear in her. And as Jaime told her best friend all these things, she saw her Best Friend’s face change. Jaime knew her best friend tried to understand, tried to accept, but something was off. She couldn’t tell what. But now, it doesn’t matter, Jaime thought to herself. Now it’s done, the empty bottle of pills next to her bed took care of everything.

But even the bottle of pills didn’t fix the problem. Jaime looked up at the dresser mirror and it was still the face of a stranger. It’s been hours since the pills took effect, and Jaime sat there next to her body with her legs shaking, waiting for something to happen.

Finally, something happened, but it wasn’t what she was expecting. There were quiet footsteps at the door, followed by quiet, nervous knocks. Slowly, the door creaked open. It was her best friend, Sam, walking through with eyes wide open, and breathing erratically. “Oh god no…” she whispered to herself. She saw the empty bottle of pills, and her best friend lying in the bed, not moving, and not breathing with the blankest stare she had ever seen. She moved silently and quietly to her best friend’s side and grabbed their hand. It was so cold to the touch. The room was so quiet it made Sam squirm in her skin. She squeezed the hand thinking, if she squeezed hard enough that it would bring Jaime back.

The vibrations of her cell in her pocket brought Sam out of this moment and into the next.

“Hello mom,” she managed without crying.

“Where did you run off to,” asked the mother.

“I’m at Jaime’s. I had a bad feeling in my stomach,” she said the words quietly.

“And so you run off like that? No explanation, nothing?!” her voice slowly rising in anger. If only she had known what Sam knew…

“I’m sorry mom, won’t happen again,” there were no life in the words.

“Fine.” The mother breathed deeply, “just be home for dinner.”

“I will.” The words were hollowed in her voice as she just stared her best friend’s body.

Jaime looked on at Sam, and none of it registered. Jaime couldn’t understand what Sam was feeling. “Why is she like this?” Jaime wondered.

“She didn’t seem to give a flying fuck when I opened up to her,” the anger slowly rising inside Jaime, “She just nodded her head, she didn’t say anything, and then she looked at me with those eyes, like she didn’t even know who I was.” The memory brought hot tears streaming down Jaime’s face, “Those eyes, it was those damn eyes” Jaime yelled, “How could you not recognize your best friend anymore? What did I do?” Jaime fruitlessly yelled at Sam.

A cold shiver passed through Sam’s body, that finally broke her and sent tears running down her face as well. Sam crossed her arms hoping it would somehow make her feel better. It didn’t. Deep down Sam knew the trigger, knew exactly what the last straw was. She knew that Jaime had a hard life, but she knew exactly what sent her over the edge.

“I’m Sorry Jaime. I will always love you, no matter what, I’m sorry if I hurt you, I just needed time. I’m so fucking sorry.” She began to sob.

The words changed everything for Jaime, too little too late. Jaime put her around her best friend trying to comfort her. They both just sat there in the bed room crying.

This Is How It Has To Be.

The gun on the nightstand made her fingers tremble. She tried to keep it out of her mind, and instead laid back in her bed. She moved her fingers across her skin just like he used to do. She imagined his soft lips pressed agasint hers. Hot tears rolled down her face as she began to sob lightly. She stroked her own hair, the way he used to do. It calmed her breathing, but the memory just stung at her heart.

She remembered the words he used to say, she remembered the “I Love You’s”, the “You’re specials.” Her hands moved all over her chest, Replicating what she remembered to no avail. The tears ruined her make up. “This is disgusting,” she thought, as her hands made their way down south. “There is no else like you,” she remembered him saying as his hands went down to one of her more intimate places, “no one has that same bright smile that you do.” Her hands lingered down south as hot tears streamed down her face, scorching her skin along the way. “No one can replace you,” words he spoke to her as their foreheads touched and their noses grazed each others. She lay there crying with a stabbing sensation in her chest while she grasped for air as she remembered the final words: “I love you,” he began between kisses, “but we have to end this.” Her hands finally moved away from that one intimate place as her body convulsed with pleasure and despair. Her head turned to see the gun lying there on the nightstand through blurry eyes.

“This is how it has to be,” she said to herself and the empty world around her as she picked up the gun of her lover’s; the gun that belong to her father. She put the barrel of the gun in her mouth,”There is no alternative,” she thought to herself as she pulled the trigger.